[February Journal]

2/22/15

Wow, the last time I wrote out a Journal entry, was all the way back in August? I'm horrible. I'm sorry darling, I'm sketch book is kind of like my journal I guess. I find myself drawing doodles all of the time rather than writing.

These last couple of weeks have been insane. I feel like I am (we are) on a never ending cycle. So much negative energy keeps hitting us from all directions. Last night's incident, our moods never matching up, losing my job, you feeling insecure; its a plethora of crap really.

And my depression? Or whatever the fuck it is. But I'll go back to that in a moment.

I feel like I don't tell you that I love you enough. And how proud of you I am. You're working so hard to do everything and you're taking classes, going to work, dealing with dishonest friends, coping with unsupportive family members, and even finding time to go to counseling for yourself. I can't even do all of that and I think that really sets us apart. You can handle..the world. You're truly amazing to me. And I love you so so much.

I'm sorry I've been so horrible when it comes to doing things for you. I know I still need to get you the ticket info, and I am going to bring my gifts to you in person. Mnn but I should've been better. I'm not used to this kind of relationship--you know? The good kind. I was always expected to put out. Go see them. And what not, I've never been in a relationship where I'm included too. And I think, on some level, I'm just used to not doing things because (back then) I knew it was somewhat pointless.

But you're not pointless and you've never been pointless. So don't start thinking you are because of my laziness and forgetfulness.

I digress though. My depression-thing. It's been killing me and I have no clue what to do. I don't have the money to really see anyone and I'm very good at destroying any sort of help that's given to me. I guess it really has to be something you want, in order to go after it. And help and a happier me is something I want...I just don't have the motivation. I guess that comes with the self-loathing. Because then what's the point? I can say I'm doing it for you. Because you deserve someone in your life who cares about who they are...who doesn't think their a fucking failure every time they think about all of the things they're not.
...but...I should be doing it for me too. And I can't, for the life of me, find the motivation to do what's best for me.

And I'm so tired because of it. Because I try my hardest. The part of me that's good, I feel like I'm always on that side in most things that I do. So I try, I do what I can and make sure I do it right. But when I mess up, or circumstances just don't work out the way I hope, then that bad part blames me. "I told you so." "You should've known better." "Look at this mess, and its because of you." "Why can't you do better?" "You wanted more than this, didn't you? Ah well."

And that's what's made me so exhausted. Because if what I do is never good enough, no matter the amount of energy I put into it...it just seems fruitless. And I guess it is, in a way.


Goodness, >< this has come out more depressing than I intended. I think you must be sleeping, its around..7:57pm? right now. And I just came on here because I thought I'd just write to you. And now its become and endless litany of Salem's ramblings.

It smells good in the house right now, mom is making some Italian Sausage with some cheesy Tortellini. My sister is play a Zelda game and becoming increasing agitated because she's one who yells/hits computers when shit doesn't go her way, haha. She's a bit of a sore loser.

And umm....OH! And I'm sorry hun. I was in a bad mood (shocker!) yesterday and today. Mnn through good intentions, mom mentioned a job opening with this guy who runs a snowball shop downtown. He's really cool and he's from Maryland (where you get the tasty Snowballs, basically a snowcones). Spring Training starts up in a couple of weeks at the baseball stadium, and he's going to be selling snowballs here. While he's gone, he needs someone to run the shop. But its something I can't do. The Spring Training runs all the way through our visit, and I'd feel bad for him to only hire me for a short amount of time..and plus..how much would he really be able to pay me? So I was a bit frustrated..along with my awful mood swings and tada! A wild Cranky Salem appears. ><!!!

But Sean was nice. I've told him about you of course. He thinks you're lovely! He's invited me to go and grab sushi at his family's restaurant with him tomorrow afternoon because he's off and we haven't really hung out in awhile.

Mnnn....I need to do some laundry...and I need to take more steps to figure out what I'm going to do with ..well, me. What am I going to do with me? That's a hard question XD! Maybe a shower to start as well. I need one...a nice warm shower ><! And tea.

At anyway, I love you so much hun and i hope you're sleeping well...or doing well with whatever you might be doing at the moment. I'll talk to you later on hopefully.

Forever Yours,
Salem


P.S. Wouldn't it really be cool if I really was Tamaki? I wouldn't have to wait. I'd grab my private jet and meet you in a couple of hours. Hmhm~ *O*