Oh, It Is Love {7/25/2014}

My darling Salem~ I've been promising myself this for a long while. I'd write you a love letter. One with everything I could possibly pack into it. One that you could read and know beyond a doubt that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything on this earth. Unfortunately I'm not eloquent enough with words and phrases to weave together a description that includes the entirety of my love for you. After my schooling, I still won't be, after all the schooling in the world the largeness of my love for you is something that would escape clever words. But I can outline the details and tell you the quirks. And in that maybe you can see something bigger. Maybe you'll feel how big my love is. Or how your love for me fills up the cracks in such a way that I can love you this much without falling apart from it.  

I don’t even know where to start. When I say you keep me sane you have to understand all that that means. Because my life is characteristically insane. I am the oldest of seven children, spread over three families. Things move fast, they’re all growing up and I’m trying to help shape them into little things that will stand the test of time. That in itself drives some people crazy. On top of that, I am a full time nanny for yet another child who need some shaping himself. Now my summer life I can handle just fine, navigating children and grumpy people, while emotionally taxing, isn’t something that can have me falling apart at the seams. It doesn’t do anything a good nights sleep can’t fix.

Whats magnificent is that you keep me sane during the school year. I don’t think you realize how many times I would have died out of stress if it hadn’t been for you. How many times I could have gone over the deep end. Going to class and managing my family and my emotions and being fairly lonely. Getting the massive amount of homework done and getting stupid essay after stupid essay out of my brain. I have a way of cracking under that kind of pressure. But you keep me going, and that's something I didn’t think anyone could do.

But it’s more than just that. You cradle me through panic attacks, or times I’m just feeling awful about who I am. Times I’m not doing as well in a class as I want to be doing. You encourage me and support me in ways that I can’t trust other people to. And that brings me to trust. For a long distance relationship to be anything but miserable, there has to so much uncompromised trust. I think it is absolutely insane how much you trust me, but also, I don’t know how I’d love if you didn’t trust me through everything I did. Trust that I had you in mind, trust that down to my core you are the only one I want. Trust that I want to be with you. Trust me enough to come in spring.

And I hope you know that I trust you. I’m not an optimist, so I can’t help it when a thought comes to mind. Such as “What if he doesn’t come?” or the even more notorious “What if he’s not real?”. Those thoughts really do tend to bring out out the worst in me… But the fact that you can push them back, that I trust you enough to reduce them down to nothing to even worry about… That’s amazing baby. Thats amazing.

You are my everything Salem. You comfort me to sleep at night, you’re what I look forward to in the morning, you’re who I talk to when things get incredibly rough. You’re who I talk to when something wonderful happens. It is really interesting to see how much my life has improved because of you. You’re so beautiful to me. You’re so beautiful, period. You’re lovely and your laugh lights up my whole world. I wish I could say your smile >.< I’ll see it someday~ When you’re happy or excited I can’t even really explain what that does to me. When you’re giddy about the holidays or going somewhere… Anything. It makes my heart so warm T.T I just want you to be happy and excited forever.

The way you say “I love you” a million times a day, the way you day dream with me, the way you tell me about what you want to do… When you share your opinions with me. All of it is so beautiful. When you want to feel pretty or when you stand up for yourself, when I just watch you grow more and more into your endless potential. You are beautiful. And of course you have your looks going for you~ I hope you know how attractive you are.

Even when I’m angry I never seem to be angry with you, it’s almost amazing. You’re always concerned about hurting me. You feel like when I’m upset you’ve hurt me or done something awful. But the fact of the matter is, usually you just worry me. Any time I worry about something, it adds to some malicious check list, and it stays until what I’m worried about is no longer a possibility. The situation has to get really confusing and turned around for you to actually hurt me and most the time I make it a lot worse on myself.

I’m not the most confident being and that doesn’t help anything either. But you know what? Every bad thing that's has happened to us… Every off day that we’ve had, every time I’ve been sad. If you add all that up and put it together then put it next to the wonderful things that have happened it suddenly feels like putting an ant next to the moon for comparison. So you never have to worry that you’ve hurt me too much or that you somehow magically, suddenly not good for me. Because baby you are so, so fucking good for me.

You’re like a magical being. I could seriously make this go on forever. I feel like it’s not adequate… But writing you love letters, I just might always feel that way!! I love you more than life itself Salem Parris. And the day I get to have you in my arms can’t come soon enough.

You’re my everything darling,
Love,
Makayla~