The Emotional Rant That Started as a Love Letter {5/26/14}

My darling sunshine,

It is so late and your tired, sickly fucking girlfriend should not EVEN be trying to write you something sweet and heartfelt. This might not even come out for a few days because I’ll edit it over and over like the obsessive writer that I know we both are. Or it could come out tonight, the world may never know. I have to say I am more than excited about your reply ^.^ Mn, I hope Tama cooperates! Oh goodness <3 I just love you so much! I’ve been wanting to type you out a legitimate love letter for forever! Unfortunately, I do not think this will turn out to be it T.T I’ll send you another hand written one to make up for it~ As soon as I get your shirt ;3

I really don’t know what to say here… Maybe because I’m tired… Or maybe because I’ve told you that I love you in every way possible under the sun XD So how about this!! I’ve been thinking of you. You’ve been on my mind so much, and I just can’t help it! I love you more than anything and I want to go get tea with you.

I have been struggling with dumb little things lately, have you? I feel so petty and stupid sometimes, but at the same time… I’m so sick of some things. Do you ever get like that weird jealous anger that overtakes your entire being for a couple moments? Because I’ve been getting that so much. Like holy hell >.< I’m not a jealous person but I’ll see my brother skyping his best friend all the time and I get all jealous and assholish. Thats something I’ve been struggling with. Or I’ll talk to my aunt and she’ll talk to me about these petty problems she’s been having with her husband and that irks me too. She has tons of issues but for me it’s like “I don’t see the problem you two live in the same fucking house right? I’ll kill you.” Ahh… I forget that someday we’ll have normal people problems. Not problems like “Sorry I can’t hear your tone through a text” or “I haven’t seen your face in a year” >.< It’ll be bizarre to have regular people problems.

I want to snap at members of the opposite sex that approach me too. Even men that stand next to me in line or something and have that awkward tension of “I want to talk to you”. I just want to glare at them until they walk away. There are some new people I can talk to! Especially if I see them around my school or somewhere I go to be social… But anywhere else I am completely shut down to conversation. It’s probably not that great T.T

Good news is! My “stepping into traffic” thoughts and panic levels have gone way down! I’m not suicidal and I’m not panicked enough to do myself bodily harm~ I’m also not horribly depressed at though thought of graduation anymore ^.^ I still have a really hard time talking about you to family. My aunt asked about when I was bringing you up here when I went over there last night. I was honest with her and told her we’d had a bit of a rough patch over it and that you were coming out next spring. Her reaction was just like all the rest~ But It didn’t take me long to bounce back from it. I was proud. The last talk we had about it really must have been enough closure for me.

I’m growing as a person, and it’s hard, but worth it. I think that’s all I want to say here ^.^ I love you more that anything.

Your Songbird