Honestly {1/23/15}

I’m at work, and as usual for a Friday I am so bored and tired XD Most people I’ve emailed for the faculty profiles are systematically ignoring me. And those who aren’t have only emailed me saying “Yeah, I’ll get it to you soon.”

Also my arms are kind of sore? That is a serious mystery to me. I’m glad I can find time to write these journal entries. They calm my mind. I don’t even tell you when I post them anymore, I figure if you ever look at our site they’ll just be a happy surprise ^.^

Mnn things have been rough lately and I just kinda want it all to go away. I’m happy you’re working at changing your sleep but sometimes I don’t know what side of my night you want to hear about when you wake up and ask me how it went XD

Idk if you want to hear about how I did get to sleep and slept well, or how I got in bed at nine and didn’t go to sleep until 2… How I walked into my room and wanted to break down into tears and had to watch like 6 episodes of scrubs and still almost cried when I closed my laptop for the night.

I don’t know if you want to hear how I cuddle up and thought about you before drifting to sleep or how I was scared that I might panic again and the thought of holding you was the only thing that could soothe me enough to eventually put me to sleep.

I really am not sure which side you want to hear. I don’t have good nights without you. But I like it when you go to sleep early because I want you happy and healthy. Thats the whole truth, I suppose.

You know, I’ve always really loved writing these journal entries, because they’re really earnest letters to you. I don’t know if you like reading them as much as I like writing them, but I hope you take some pleasure from it.

They’re not like literature, well thought out, and plotted. You can’t take more and more away from them each time you read them. In fact they’re more like a cheap air freshener >.< Really wonderful the first time and more dull every time after that.

Each one is different, the contents, the tone, the mood they evoke. But memorizing the lines doesn’t bring any kind of deep meaning to life~ In fact most do better once you completely forget them. Then you can go back years later, and meet yourself.

You always see the posts talking about what you would do if you met your past self, what you would say to them, what you would advise them against. And with my journals, my past self can speak to me. thats probably why I still journal.

Because all those gaps in my journaling, all the times I never wrote down… I found myself wishing I had. Its like taking pictures of my mind, my soul and my emotional maturity throughout my whole life.

Anyways, that was very rambly. I just thought You might like to know why I journal. I also do it out of habit now. It feels nice.

I’m just gonna keep going with this one. There has been so much on my mind and heart lately. Idk if I’m dealing with it in a healthy manner or shoving it down. I’m no good with emotions. I hope the counselor will be able to help. I go in to see her on Monday.

Mn today marks the one week mark for the last time we had sex, I’m gonna leave it up to you and see how long we go~ I’m kinda curious >.< though honestly orgasms without you are so incredibly boring they’re almost not worth having.

Last time I got off without you I got an email while I was cumming and I checked it. Seriously. Like I didn’t even wait to be done I was so bored… I checked my fucking email in the middle of an orgasm. The only way I can even come close to achieving something worthwhile is if I think about you saying that I’m not allowed XD I’m addicted to you~ Idk what I’d do if you ever left me >.< I’d never cum again.

Honestly I hope we can pull ourselves out of this rut soon >.< We used to laugh at people that only had scheduled sex once a week! Now we hardly have scheduled sex twice a month. Can you believe that!? Twice a month. It’s sad to even type it.

I mean XD Its not like I had a stellar sex life before us, but I’m gonna have to go back to roleplaying smut with people just for the fun of it! Once again, I wish anyone was as good at it as you are.

I think I’ve concluded that you need to stop being so perfect for me so I can function while your happiness is on vacation~ I wonder if you’ve even read any of your Christmas present? .-. My sad darling. I’m starting to worry about you T.T

The sex isn’t the only thing thats only been happening twice a month. Light hearted chats, happy talks about your days, being excited about… Well… Anything. those things have been few and far between.

On the other hand, crying, fighting and panic attacks are at an all time high! ...Okay so thats not really good news to go with the bad XD but hey!

I’m being light hearted about all of this because I’m done taking it too seriously for now >.< I honestly have no stamina left for crying or panicking. I need to take the rest of this month to recharge XD
You think I can make it the rest of the month without crying? Hahaha no. No I can’t make it the rest of the month without crying! But maybe I can make it without panicking! Wouldn’t that be something? XD

Oh goodness. Well I love you more than anything darling~ and we will make it through this and have a sex life again and stop crying so much ^.^ I’ll see you on the other side.

Forever and always yours,
Makayla