The Day I Read a Poem About Sex to the Class {4/9/14}

I'm gonna post this before dance :3 I know you told me not to worry if I miss a day and I won’t darling ^.^ But I will try to put something up every day. Just because I know how much I love reading what you write! And I’m not gonna take that away from you this evening. Especially after a night like last night and a day like today.

So I guess first I’ll give you how my day went~ I can’t remember the dream I woke up from last night when I texted you, all I remember is I woke up from the sound of my phone falling off my bed around five or five thirty. After texting you I got right back to sleep and didn’t wake up again until my alarm went off. Even then I hit snooze twice XD I wasn’t feeling the waking up thing today. I threw on yoga clothes and skipped the makeup today. I think that I really look better without it most the time, especially in the morning! It only makes me look sleepier XD So I just wore some chap stick and went out the door… I almost got in an accident today which was scary, but it would have been the other lady’s fault. She was on her phone and turned out in front of me. I had to break so hard all of my stuff flew onto the floor of my car off my passenger seat. If I wasn’t so focused on not dying I would have honked. So after that bit of adrenaline the rest of the drive to school went smoothly XD

Bailee and I are a minute into our dialogue now, with one more minute to go! So that’s nice. Trevor is in my Spanish class, did I tell you that? He sits across the class from me and I think he saw my look of sheer confusion and frustration while our Spanish teacher was trying to explain something to the class today. I swear to god learning another language is the scariest shit on the planet. And it’s hard; it’s as hard as math! But I think I’m about where I’m supposed to be. I’m having a seriously hard time remembering the simple things… But I’m working hard on it. And then yoga… Yoga was beautiful today, yoga is beautiful every day. I can’t wait until I’m strong enough to push a little harder. But I’m being safe baby, I promise, listening to my body and all that. Then after yoga I climbed the motherfuckingneverending stairs to Creative Writing and bullshitted the homework I totally forgot about in the three minutes I had before class started XD And she said the poem I chose and the analysis was the most interesting of the day and I felt a little bad OTL Anywho, the poem was about sex and I didn’t realize it until about the third time I read it >.< So I had to read a poem about sex to the entire class XD and watch as they slowly realized it. This is the poem:

Home-Baked Bread
By Sally Croft

"Nothing gives a household a greater sense of stability and common comfort than the aroma of cooking bread. Begin, if you like, with a loaf of whole wheat, which requires neither sifting nor kneading, and go on from there to more cunning triumphs." - The Joy of Cooking


What is it she is not saying?
"Cunning triumphs". It rings
Of insinuation. Step into my kitchen,
I have prepared a cunning triumph
for you. Spices and herbs
sealed in this porcelain jar,

a treasure of my great-aunt
who sat up past midnight
in her Massachusetts bedroom
when the moon was dark. Come,
rest your feet. I'll make
you tea with honey and slices

of warm bread spread with peach butter,
still fresh with dew. The fragrance
is seductive? I hoped you would say that.
See how the heat rises
when the bread opens. Come,

we'll eat together, the small flakes
have scarcely any flavor. What cunning
triumphs we can discover in my upstairs room
where peach trees breathe their sweetness
beside the open window and
sun lies like honey on the floor.

Did you catch the sex? Hmhm. I love it. After that I drove home and that was pretty uneventful~ And that brings me to now!

I miss you already baby, it’s 2:45 my time and you’re in class, I got home and had a little something to eat and I have the music up loud while I write this so I don’t get lost in my thoughts >.< Even though that’s a little counter intuitive, you’re kind of supposed to get lost when you’re journaling… But today there’s just so much to get lost in! I feel like I’m neck deep in thought and wading around, trying not to let it get over my head. It’s been one of those days though, where you put your thoughts away so you can go through the day thinking clearly~ You know what I’m talking about? So I’ve just been floating about focusing completely on school, it’s so odd that I can still slip in and out of my mask so easily and so completely. I didn’t know I could do that so well anymore… I have a sick sense of pride about it XD That no one can sense my unease if I don’t want them to hehe. I forgot that I had anything to be uneasy about all the way until I pulled into my driveway! Er… Rather my lawn >.< But I’m still not unhappy or anything, just that weird lost feeling settling in. The feeling of not knowing how to feel because I need to take the time to deal with my problems. But! I’m not gonna drag you thorough the long talk about my feelings or any of my inner dialogue. I’m seriously in need of some drama that’s fictional now though XD It makes me feel better when my life gets a bit shaky, ‘cause I can get lost in a different world. I know Kyoya is seriously flaring up now and again! Probably to protect me from the upcoming talk. Being a little colder always helps!

Okay, I think I am gonna take you through my feelings a bit >.< Because I feel that they’re important for you to know. I guess I don’t know if you ever think about what I’m thinking, or if you ever wonder where my heart is at? We’ve been taking fucking leaps and bounds lately though so I know personally I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs.

I’ve been scared, with all this negative shit… I can’t take back anything I say. I tend to say… Just really hurtful things. I know what to say to make it hurt. And I really hope I haven’t said anything that’s ringing around in your head… Because I don’t know. I wasn’t really that coherent at the time that I was saying things that could have been hurtful, and there’s a chance that I wasn’t even trying to be hurtful. There’s some things that really stuck with me from that first conversation and I know you weren’t trying to cause any more hurt than the situation was already causing. I’m scared that if I continue to have the problems listed here that you’ll leave me. For whatever reason. I’m scared that these problems will fluctuate and you’ll get as sick of them as I already am. I don’t want you resenting me either and you need to know that you have the right to leave me whenever for whatever reason. I’m not an easy person to deal with. I’ve known that from the start.

I’m having a rough time with all this. Maybe that didn’t need to be said. Things between us are sorted pretty well and I really like that, I like that we know where one another stands for the most part. But that doesn’t mean I’m not drowning a little bit. I’m going through quite a bit right now, and I know that didn’t need to be said either. I’ll be graduating soon, hopefully getting a job, going to university and moving out of the house I’ve lived in for 11 years. I don’t have a lot that’s gonna stick around. I know I’ve already lost a lot of friends, and I don’t know if I’ll lose any more. I’ll have to start a whole new group of acquaintances getting to UWT. You know me; you know how much I stress, so you know how much all that is on my plate. You know how hard I’m trying to prepare myself and still take it one step at a time. And you know that all this by itself is enough to crush your poor girlfriend if she lets it.

You have no reason to feel guilty, because none of that is your fault and none of what I’m about to ramble off is your fault. You just got caught in the cross fire. All of the other shit going on though… This is why I don’t take the time to take care of myself. It used to be so easy to just ignore everything and focus on school. Yeah my family worried. I got all the “You’re not social enough” and “This isn’t healthy” and “You don’t have a boyfriend yet, are you gay?” shit. But I could stay happily away from all that shit because what were they gonna say? “Stop bettering your life and be more of a party animal”? No. That wasn’t going to happen. Of course I was absolutely miserable. I don’t even know what was carrying me from one day to the next. I know sometimes it was the hope that one of these days I would get hit by a car and I could die… Or spend a couple weeks in a coma and lose all the weight I felt on my heart.

Go figure, I was a teenage girl that had stellar grades, average looks and no body image problems. No addictions, a virgin, good friends, mature past her years. Yet still I fell in and out of abusive relationships with intelligent boys and was chronically depressed. I was an introvert and my parents didn’t understand (still don’t).  Their model of a teenage girl didn’t and doesn’t fit me. And then to top that off I started spending hours upon hours on the computer. Once again though they couldn’t say much, I was writing and I was still doing dance. I could happily combat any argument they made as to why I should conform to the normalcy they expected. But I’ve strayed from my point. They couldn’t really strive to change anything about me without being worse parents for it…

But my being in a long distance relationship gave them a foothold… and damn they all leapt on it. My dad and stepmom didn’t care as long as I wasn’t having sex, that’s all they really cared about. They figured our relationship would end soon. I’m a smart independent girl. Why would I stay? Especially if I’ll be meeting boys in college that can keep up with my maturity level. My mom though… She knows me. She really knows me. And she knows that I wouldn’t give you up. She knew this was safe for me. She thinks it’s an excuse for me to stay in my comfort zone. And in a way she’s right. I am amazingly comfortable with you.  But that is obviously not the only reason I’m here, nor is it the most prevalent one. She knew I’d wait. And she really doesn’t want me to. And she can finally tell me not to because it’s the healthy and normal choice.

I’m angry. I’m angry that she made this ultimatum this way for all my parents. I hate that she balance your existence on this, and basically said “If he doesn’t come you have to be prepared to accept that he’s not real or not worth it and end your relationship.” I hate that she assumes I’m prepared to defend my heart in case you’re not real. “I don’t need a suicidal teenager” she says. Well she’s lucky I am who I am or I’d already be suicidal. I just wanted to be happy and left in peace and now I have a million choices to make under the watchful gaze of my entire family. And I get to make a choice that makes zero sense in their eyes. That I could hardly make sense of after thinking about it for a week. She’s put doubts about myself in my head, and the worst part is she’s doing it all because she loves me. I could have pulled off being happily left alone until next spring if she had fucking talked to me about it and let me feel it out with you first. She still wouldn’t have understood but at least she wouldn’t have dragged everyone into it.

I’m also sad. I’m devastated and graduation time will be amazingly hard. That’s something that won’t go away. Something that will stick to me until next spring and that will take over me sometimes. Crushing sadness. Something that chokes me up every single time I think about wanting you here and something that I can’t block out. Everything she’s going to say to me I’ve already said to myself. Every argument she wants to have with me I’ve already argued with myself. And it makes me sad that I’ll have to hear it all come out of someone else’s mouth.

But most of all I’m annoyed. I’m just pissed off at everything. I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit and no one should have made me. Really it was fucking simple on everyone’s part. Makayla is happy and mostly content? Leave her the fuck alone. So her boyfriend might not exist and she can’t really argue with you if you point it out? Why the FUCK would you say that to someone? Oh her relationship is nontraditional and you don’t understand? How about you fuck off? I know people who cheat on every person they date that get less shit than me. I know people who sexually harass people every god damn day that get less shit than me!! For what? Dating a man I’ve never met in person? Being happy with giving him another year of my life? Fuck off. I don’t get pictures, I can’t call him, I can’t skype him, the time zones suck, he doesn’t want to come up and see me right now and I’m struggling hard with my self esteem issues and fear of commitment as it is! And no one can leave me alone! I can only take so much and I’m very close to snapping. And not at you Salem, because the only two people that should able to make this relationship complicated and painful are you and I… And yeah we have our issues. But we are NOT the issue.

Anyway, that got really ranty really fast, and it’s fairly heavy when I didn’t mean to make it that way. I’m just… That’s how I’m feeling. I’m happy with you and I shouldn’t need to defend that. I definitely shouldn’t have to defend that you’re who you say you are. It pisses me off.

But I love you Salem Parris and I always will. We can make it. No one matters but me in you in this relationship. No one can force their opinions on us, not even our families. Especially not our families. They should be happy that we’re not off doing some other stupid shit.

Forever yours and only yours,
Makayla