Kyoya's Note

Dear Tamaki,

         It has been four months since the car accident. I’m not really certain why I’m writing this to you. I guess I just need it off my chest before… Well before this. I remember every second. I remember how excited you were for my surprise. I remember seeing the oncoming car. I remember pulling you out. I remember holding you… I held you until the paramedics got there… But by then blood was pouring out of the wound, out of your mouth. They declared time of death right there. I knew they couldn’t do anything, but I hated them. And when they took you away from me, I hated them even more.

         The driver of the truck got out of it with 3 broken ribs, whiplash, and a minor head contusion. I had a concussion, but other than that no major injuries. Our driver: no major injuries. The truck driver was convicted of manslaughter, he had claimed that the sun was in his eyes. I wonder if he still sees the sun? I haven’t seen the sun as I know it in four months. A month after you died, my diagnosis went from acute stress disorder to PTSD. I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy since the accident, under order of my father. The club was dissolved within a month of your death. I visit you every week to bring you red roses, against the suggestion of my therapist. It was every day at one point. I’m on prozac, but it doesn’t help the nightmares. They’re all the same. I can never save you Tamaki. No matter how hard I try.

         I think about it all the time. I wish it only haunted my dreams; the flashbacks have gotten so bad I have stopped going to school. I have nearly stopped going out all together. The therapists all say I should recover soon. That the memories will fade and I will go back to who I was. But Tamaki, I have lost myself. Where have I gone? Who was I before this? I… I can’t remember anything before this. I mean.... Before the medication, yes. Before the accident, yes. But Tamaki, who was I before you? Why do I get the feeling I don’t want to be that person again? I don’t want to learn to live without a light. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I will never… never recover from this. I am tarnished, and no polish could make me shine the way I did when your light struck me.

         My family, our friends, your family… All they see in me is tragedy. All they remember is that I lived through and you did not and I can’t help but feel that they all know I was less worthy. I am the least important to my family, I am cold and without a light I am useless. I am a shadow, and without a light I cannot be cast. Without a light I can not operate. And so, why not find a new one? I simply cannot. You…, Tamaki. Were the one and only in your family. You were everything. You were an unstoppable ray of sunshine. I think in some way, Tamaki, you were the one meant for my soul. I know, listen to your best friend. I never believed in soulmates until this. And now… Now I can hardly think of anything but. You were my one, Tamaki, and I lost you. I lost you. I don’t know if this was meant to be a test, but if so… I don’t want to pass. I don’t want to move on without you. It just feels so wrong.

         I am broken. I am sick. I need medication to function and I will never thrive again. I will be the third son. The troubled one who never amounted to much. So, instead of being a painful, and awkward presence… I choose to leave my loved ones with the memory of me. A memory of perhaps, who I was with you. Who I could have been. The potential cut short instead of wasted.

         Tsk, I act like I’m doing something heroic, for some ambiguous “them” when I am nothing but selfish and scared. I am not strong enough for this Tamaki. I don’t want to grow to be strong enough. I hate this. I hate knowing there is nothing I can do. I hate searing the memory into myself every night, every day, every moment. I hate how the meds make me feel, Tamaki! I hate how desperate I am to make it stop. I’m so scared… I’m scared to live, scared to die… Scared that I won’t be with you ever again and after I go through with this it will only be more of the same. I know you wouldn’t want this for me. Any of this. I know I am letting you down. I am letting myself down. I am letting my family down.

         But the day you died… I died. I cannot continue to be a shell. Some days, it feels like there’s nothing wrong, and then it hits me, a sickening crunch and I’m right back there in the middle of that day. Pulling you out of the car, washing your blood off my hands, your scent out of my sheets… But I could never wash you out. I had so much I needed to say to you, so much I wish I had the courage to do. It has torn me apart.

         This is goodbye Tamaki. I’m standing over the water now. Once I’m done with this, I’m going to drag this razor over my wrists and sit on this cliff, and once I pass out I’ll probably fall in… Maybe I’ll finally wash you away. I know I’m lying to myself, thinking once I’m gone some part of me won’t know some part of you… To think I could be unchained from you so easily. Maybe I’ll see you, Tamaki. Please… Please I hope I see you. Your smile… I’d give my life for a chance to see that smile, just one last time.

         Yours,
         Kyoya