The In-Between

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The In-Between

Post by herestoforever on Tue Dec 23, 2014 9:07 pm

((Oh my god is this OOC T.T But I needed to get it out of my system and I didn't have much time to brush up on my characterization >.< Enjoy!))

I

Kyoya sat in the empty room, a glass of champagne in his hand, his third actually, and he sipped it while he watched the candles burn down to nothing. He was laying on the bed thinking about where he went wrong… Maybe he’d made it seem like he’d regretted it? Like this was just an apology and nothing more. He didn’t know but his mind was tired, his body wracked with anxiety and disappointment; two things he usually wouldn’t indulge in.

He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He was upset. The rose petals he’d lain out were wilting in the trash and he watched the clock blink at him, telling him it was 3:00 in the morning. Telling him he should be asleep. Telling him everything but what he wanted to hear. He was alone, again.

After dinner Tamaki had stuck around for an hour, they sat in the living room and talked about things with the club… Kyoya remembered moving to hold Tamaki’s hand, just because in that moment he’d wanted to, and Tamaki awkwardly flinching and shifting away.

Kyoya had hidden surprise, as it was extremely different for him to show physical affection… He thought if anything Tamaki would enjoy it. But the answer seemed clear in his hazy mind. Tamaki didn’t want him; no one really wanted him, once they got to know him. Too cold, too sharp, too analytical.

Tamaki knew him better than anyone, and that was all the more reason to keep his distance. Kyoya poured the last glass from the bottle and downed it in one long drink, he was drunk. He knew he was drunk. He wanted to call Tamaki, to ask exactly what was wrong with him. To ask why Tamaki didn’t want him.

When the blond left there was just a “See you tomorrow.” No “Lets do this again.” or “Thank you for the dinner.” Kyoya had been brushed off. He’d screwed up and the fact that he couldn’t figure out where frustrated him endlessly.

Kyoya always wanted to be the best, the best at everything. He’d tried so incredibly hard, pushed himself out of his comfort zone and in doing so left himself idiotically vulnerable. He excelled at everything but this, but he’d tried and it wasn’t enough for the only person he’d wanted. It made every part of him feel cold, and he’d never felt so useless.

The Shadow King knew he had to go to school the next morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to care much… School, and the club, would Tamaki feel awkward? Would he even acknowledge that something had happened? Kyoya didn’t know. Emotions were something people couldn’t predict. All Kyoya knew was that he was going to be sick, the vile carbonation was already crawling back up his throat.

II

Kyoya had been nearly chaste since those nights with Tamaki. He hadn’t been with anyone, sex was never on his mind and he coldly brushed off any girl that tried. He was probably depressed, but he made it a point not to act differently. He did his best to forget; Tamaki had forgotten… And why shouldn’t he? It was nearly a year ago now. The were going to graduate, there was so much to think about.

They’d gone back to being best friends, there was the occasional awkward moment but nothing major. For that, Kyoya was somewhat resentful and somewhat thankful. Tamaki didn’t drift away from him… Those nights hadn’t destroyed their friendship. But the frustrating sameness haunted Kyoya.

How could Tamaki not feel it? Kyoya wanted to know, so he could employ the same strategy… He didn’t want to feel it anymore, her felt stupid and weak for continuing to think about it. But he wasn’t going to put himself out in the open again.

It was just like any other day. Kyoya was walking the halls and moving on to his next class, one he had with Tamaki, but when he sat down the blond was blushing… He looked like he might explode, and Kyoya only had to raise and eyebrow to get a hushed whisper out of Tamaki.

He and Haruhi were officially dating.

Kyoya felt his whole world stop and it felt like someone had poured molten lead into his heart as it sank. He should have seen it coming… Tamaki wasn’t going to be single forever and he had always liked Haruhi... But Kyoya’d been blind sided.

It seemed that once you let someone in, there was no way to push them all the way out again. At least not someone like Tamaki. The Ootori just nodded, adjusted his glasses and sat silently for the rest of the class.

after school he went to his teachers and told them he was going on a last minute trip with his father, and without hesitation they gave him all the work that they would be handing out and let him leave.

He didn’t come to school for a week, he didn’t turn on his phone, and he’d given security strict orders to keep his friends off the grounds. To feed them the same lie he’d told his teachers. He hardly ate, he hardly drank… Though he slept nearly the whole time, he was constantly tired.

He knew it was emotional but it felt like a flu. He was endlessly frustrated with himself, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have let Tamaki so close to him? So he built a wall around himself. It was weak, and he knew it would still hurt, but it was all he could think to do.

He couldn’t continue letting emotions like this affect him. So he subjected himself to the thoughts he’d been ignoring. Tamaki was nothing but his friend. Haruhi was much better for him in the long run. They could be happy, without ridicule… They could have children. Tamaki would never ever be his and he needed to get over him. Tamaki didn’t want him, had never wanted him. It was just one stupid night. Kyoya needed to let him go in every way that he could.

And though at first the thoughts brought tears to his eyes, eventually he couldn’t feel anything about them any more. It only mattered that they didn’t hurt. He got his school work done, and after a couple more days of numbing himself to everything that hurt him, he went back to school.

He was as cool and composed as ever and when Tamaki asked him where he had been, and why he hadn’t been answering his phone. He gave him the same answer he gave everyone else… And though Tamaki gave him a weary look, he accepted it. They were graduating in 6 months and Kyoya had lied for much longer durations than this.

And he did, he lied through his teeth to the person he used to tell everything. Every time Tamaki talked to him about Haruhi he nodded and bore it, smiling and giving him aloof advice that made the blond whine and shove him. Just repeating the justification for his lies in his mind.

As they hung out less and less, Kyoya filled up his time with college applications for colleges all over the world. He did far more than he had to just because they kept him distracted. Once those were over, he simply did as much schoolwork as he could manage.

College level work, work for his high school classes, even reworking the budget for the club over and over. Tamaki had stopped making as many extravagant requests as his focus shifted away from the club he and Kyoya had built together an more toward his relationship with Haruhi. Tamaki loved with all his heart, and there wasn’t room for anyone but Haruhi.

Kyoya had become so numb to his best friend that he couldn’t even have a deep conversation with Tamaki any more. There was nothing to talk about. Kyoya had blanketed himself in his own facade and Tamaki was too focused on other things to even notice.

III

The last real conversation Kyoya remembered having was when they were interviewing young men to take their place as president and vice president of the host club, as well as their place as the cool type and the princely type.

They took their time with interviews, Tamaki asking most of the questions while Kyoya scribbled notes, asking his own questions now and again. There were a slew of good looking boys that came through, but many of them had the collective smarts of a brick. And while Kyoya and Tamaki were good looking, they were also at the top of their class.

Finally, they had a decent line up to choose from and after a long few days of interviewing they had a couple of to-be first year students that seemed suitable for the positions. Of course they knew it would be odd to have two first year students in charge while there were three third year students in the club, but the dynamic would balance out in a year; when the host club would have no original members.

The thought was almost sad to Kyoya but he was sure Tamaki hadn’t thought that far ahead. He never did. Tamaki came over to his house that warm May night and they sat looking over possible candidates. He’d turned to Kyoya and shoved a folder in his face “This one!” Kyoya took the folder and adjusted his glasses, it was clear that Tamaki meant this should be the boy to replace the Cool Type. “Why?” Kyoya asked raising an eyebrow, wondering if Tamaki had any solid reasoning.

Tamaki smiled brightly and shrugged, “Because he reminds me of you. So he’s not the top of the class but he’s in the top five! He was sharp and he looked tired.” That came with a scolding look, one Kyoya hadn’t gotten in a while. “He didn’t say much. His answers were short and to the point… and he’s cute.” Kyoya looked over the boy, he didn’t wear glasses, but he could just get a pair of prop glasses if he didn’t have any other distinguishing characteristics. He did remind Kyoya of himself somewhat. But Tamaki liked him, and that was enough.

He had light brown hair, brown eyes, and Tamaki was right… He was bright. He was the second youngest of five boys… “Okay, him. And this one.” Kyoya gave the Suou a file that contained the picture of a bubbly blond, his hair was messy but he was smart, happy and charming. Maybe not the perfect host but Kyoya felt that he would catch on quickly with a bit of training from Tamaki.

The Host King beamed “Do you think they’ll be best friends mon ami?” Kyoya just laughed and shoved Tamaki playfully, “How am I supposed to know, moron.” They spent the rest of the night trying to find the best way to introduce the boys to the club and mentor them. Laughing and talking about the early days of their friendship and how these young boys would probably loathe each other at first. And it was the first time Kyoya had felt good in a while. And the last real time he spent with Tamaki before graduation.

There was of course a private graduation party, and many people came, the new recruits, many sobbing customers, Hunny and Mori, some friends and acquaintances. Kyoya and Tamaki were both going to America, so unlike Hunny and Mori, they would be unable to visit the club. Kyoya occasionally wondered why he chose to go to America. He had his pick. He could have gone anywhere but the thought of being across the world from Tamaki… It did something odd to him.

He justified it a thousand times over, New York had the perfect programs, he already knew english, he was states away… It was far enough. No matter where he went Tamaki would find a way to creep back into his life. But he knew the truth he was ignoring. He would miss his best friend. His only love. Though he was probably picking the best school for himself, he knew that there were other benefits tied on.

Tamaki went to Boston, Kyoya to New York they each had housewarming parties… They each attended the others. But Tamaki was a natural born host, and Kyoya was an introvert, so he never saw Tamaki too much at these events. Maybe for the best, he convinced himself. Maybe if he faded to the background it would be good for both of them.

And that was it. Kyoya didn’t know how Tamaki and Haruhi navigated her being a year younger, if she moved out with him after she graduated or if he went back to Japan and rented out the space. He didn’t care. He was away from it all and nothing was going to drag him back now.

He slowly broke down his and Tamaki’s communication, always feeling horribly guilty about it. But he couldn’t keep thinking of the blond, it didn’t benefit him at all to miss the Suou. And Tamaki couldn’t be calling every morning. Kyoya had just began his relationship with David, and he wasn’t going to ruin this chance at happiness by thinking about something that was never going to happen.

He thought about Tamaki less and less, but when he did he always wondered if he should invite him over, but then he’d think of Haruhi and decided against it. He didn’t resent her, but he didn’t want to take the chance of becoming a third wheel.

He read all of Tamaki’s emails, and sometimes it was difficult to wait a week, but he forced himself to do it. Convincing himself it was for the best. Maybe it was… Stalking Tamaki wasn’t sensible, and it wasn’t going to help him recover from his sudden lack of friends. He missed the past but forward was the only way he could move.

He always secretly looked forward to seeing how his best friend was doing… And no matter how deep he buried Tamaki, no matter how much he shoved out thoughts of him... He somehow knew that the blond would come back with a vengeance. The only question was when.
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herestoforever

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