The Day I Skipped Class for No Real Reason {4/10/14}

This post is going to be happy, because my darling Salem, I'm happy. Spring is here and it's been a long time since I've enjoyed the smell of fresh air~ It mixes very well with the smell of my Taurus candle. I'm writing all this on my phone in my room, so forgive any errors... or if it's short.

I meant what I said tonight my darling, I feel light. I want to remember this feeling forever because I remember it from the beginning of us, we were new and happy and nothing and no one mattered... we've always kind of been like that, never really made it out of the honeymoon phase and I love it.

Today was beautiful. I took the time you're always telling me to take, time for myself... time to give myself a break. Hehe that was a rhyme~ Mnn.. see what happens when I skip poetry class? I could have gone today, I woke up too late for Spanish but I could have made it to poetry class easily... but something in me told me to stay home. To stay with you rather. I wanted to stay and be in bed, I just wanted to snuggle and be happy... and you gave that to me today Salem, you let me be happy. You were unconditionally happy! About your animal waffles and your DIY projects. This road trip you're going on, spending time with your family. It really reminded me of the man that I fell in love with, that he is by no means gone or changed. We've kind of been like... on happy hiatus. In the dramatic part where everyone's heart is tearing, where the readers are holding their breath wondering what will happen next, where it seems to get better but then it just gets worse again. But we're not in a book. We're here, in real time, no matter how different those times are. And I'm finally... finally feeling happy again. I can breathe, I can sleep, and the only tears I want to cry are ones of relief.

Today was good, you were with me through all of it and you know most of what happened ^.^ I slept last night but all my sleep lately has felt sickly. Like it's not real and I just wake up in the same hole over and over and over. Only to climb out of it again and again. But today when I made it out your arms were waiting. And I could finally just be. I could take a deep breath and know that it was going to be okay... and something in me clicked today, something that let me know that we can make it through this. That we will make it through this. I think it was when you took me down for lunch, when you held my hand and got my sweater and kissed my knuckles... when you made sure I was drinking water. Then you bounced about and smiled and you were excited to do things for me... and it was like everything I was afraid of went away. Like it didn't matter how this weekend turned out, or how the talk with my mother turned out... it made me feel like it was just you and me. And that nothing anyone else said could ever matter. That it didn't matter what our families thought or what our friends said... it made me remember that we can take this at our own pace and there's nothing wrong with how we want to do things. We needed today Salem, I know we did. I needed to remember who I was, who you were, why we were in this relationship in the first place. And you brought me back to that.

Last night was hard, every single night for weeks has been hard. We forgot Salem, we forgot how good we were together. We've been so focused on how bad we are for one another, we forgot why we thought we were good in the first place.

So I stayed home with you today Salem and I came out of it feeling like a million pound weight has been lifted from my chest. I feel like we're moving forward now, like we don't even have to wait for the response of anyone else. We can simply step forward. Together. Hand in hand. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me cry tears of joy. You make me feel more than I've ever felt before, you save me from being numb every single day. You're my superhero, Salem. You're my protector and my lover and the one I want to spend my life with.

I have a passion for you Salem, everything I have to give, every gift I have to give will be given to you because you're the one I want to give them to. Because I believe that you deserve it, I believe that you deserve every bit of love I can give you. I truly believe that I love you more every single day. You are my everything. And I know that you loving yourself has to come from your own strength... I know that that will probably take longer then next spring. I know that then you might be feeling scared and not ready. You might be feeling like I will resent or dislike the person that I see; that somehow, when I see you in person things will change. That I'll suddenly realized that who you are isn't enough. That is as sad and unfair as me thinking that you waiting to come means you don't want me like I thought you did. You know yourself Salem and I'm not saying that what you see isn't there, but I've loved you for over a year now, I've known you for two. And what I see, what I know is there, has been there since the moment I first met you.

So when next spring arrives, don't come because I want you to. Don't come because I need you, or I beg you. Don't come because you think it's what I deserve. Don't come for me. Only come if that's what you want and if you think that there will be an us. Only come if you're confident that I will love you no matter what. Only come if you think that you can continue to grow with me in your life. If you doubt any of that next spring, then stay. And find someone that makes you feel that way. I think I'm good for you Salem, and I know you're good for me. But only you know you.

That being said, I'm happy. I'm happy again and I forgive you and I understand why you're not coming, and I still might be a little bit sad. But I know you love me. And I know you care for me... and I'm so happy to wake up everyday with you in my life. I know how happy you make me, and I know you make me hold my breath with joy and anticipation and love even after a year. And I won't give that up. Not for my family and not for anyone. I did cry tonight, but they were the happiest tears I've cried in a long time. Maybe we needed this to shock us back to reality baby. Because we were fighting, not each other, but the time and the distance. It was getting heavier and harder even before all this. Maybe this was just a chance to make us light again? Make us happy... show us the treasure we have in one another. We were relying so much on sex. We let that be our fix for everything. We cry over it, we'd blame ourselves and then we'd have sex to make it all go away. And that just wasn't working anymore, we had to be happy in our daily lives.

I'll live in a bubble with you Salem, you and your animal shaped waffles and your gardening. I'll come home and step into that world with you every single day. Let us be fiction to everyone else, because we know how real we are. As long as I can be happy with you, as long as every now and again I can come home to that unconditionally happy, peppy man that you were today. Not every day, I understand that we will have bad days. But just sometimes I want to come home to him, just to remind me that I can still make you that happy. I'll come home to be in our bubble darling.  Good or bad or happy or not. I'll be here. Thank you so much for staying my sweet love. I'll always be by your side.

This was happy... but maybe not on the way I originally planned XD I still hope it leaves you feeling happy~ Tomorrow I'll try to write this earlier in the day XD

Yours, Forever and Ever My Sweet Love,
Makayla